Am I prideful? Unteachable?
I’m not the type of writer and this website is not the type of website where I have a new story up every day, week, or even month. For me, writing is a newer thing and it started after I started working as an outreach leader for New York City Relief. I found that I was learning so much about myself and others through raw and unedited conversations out on the streets of NYC and NJ that I just needed a way to capture my emotions. At first it started out as a quasi journal or diary of sorts. Then, after I posted one of my stories, I found that others could relate in one way or another with what I was processing. So, I write to process. Sometimes I don’t really start to understand what I have seen until I sit down to write it out. I guess I am able to argue with myself (and with God in some situations) as I write.
The past two week have been hard for me as I have been wrestling back and forth with a confrontation and whether I wanted to write about it (be vulnerable) or not. I love being vulnerable because I love how it can help others, but to be completely honest, I edit my vulnerability at times. Confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed. I 100% believe this to be a true verse as I have seen it played out over and over again, but I am still trying to walk it out in everyday life.
My greatest weakness is that I want you to like me. I want you to think I am a cool guy, a good leader, a great dad, an amazing husband. My desire for those things to come across deep down is what makes it so hard to “confess my sins”.
If I am vulnerable then it will show my downsides - and it does.
But, more than all of that I want - and I know - that the only way for me to be healed is to be open and honest with you. And maybe if I share my negatives it will encourage you to share yours and be healed as well!
Last week I got called out for being prideful and not teachable.
I blew up. Literally. I walked out of the conversation.
I’m not prideful. I pride myself on being teachable.
(I just noticed the ridiculousness in that statement! Ha!)
But seriously. I have never in my life been told these things. I know what I’m bad at, my hot button sins or issues, and pride is not on there.
Lust, envy, being a jerk to my wife sometimes, gluttony, but not pride.
This week has been hard as I’ve wrestled with whether or not this is a true statement about myself and then what to do about it.
Am I the most prideful person in the world? Nope, but that’s not the point.
What I’m learning through this is that it’s not about pride.
It’s about my heart. What is it about being questioned in this way that ignites such anger and hostility in myself that I would lose composure and not be able to communicate well? More importantly, how can I fix it?
Forgiveness. Will you forgive me? I’m so sorry I didn’t notice these things in myself until now and that it took a confrontation to notice it.
Awareness. Moving forward I am looking at myself as a whole. Not just the hot button things, but everything.
“Jesus, please fix all of me, not just the BIG stuff, but everything. If I am wrong, correct me. Let me be ok with being corrected. Please let me react well. Please let me love well in my being corrected. Please help me be a good leader, even when I am following. Amen.”
Move on. Like I said, it’s not about the pride. It’s about my heart.
How’s your heart?
Feel free to share this with anyone who you think it may help.
Much love all!