Felipe.

“Do you want to kill him?”
“No!...no…. Well, maybe yes”

A conversation of forgiveness with a man whose son was just murdered.
(This post contains some explicit language in direct quotes)

Again, I find myself in a place of unknown.
Unknown feelings, unfamiliar experiences, foreign ground.

2 weeks ago, while in the South Bronx, I met a man named Felipe. Felipe was standing all alone, leaned against the metal gate of a closed up business. I approached him and leaned against the same gate. I came to find out that he had just moved back to the area after losing his job.
Great I thought, we have lots of info on job resources and training. I invited him into the front of the bus, our office area. I served him a cup of hot chocolate and started asking about his job history. Construction, restaurants, custodial, all typical jobs of the men who frequent the bus in the S. Bronx. I pulled out a job questionnaire we use to gain more information and to create more conversation so we can see what other services might also help.
Name, phone number, email, address, work history, ect. All simple questions that can lead to further conversation. Then there is a question about if the person needs childcare or is a single father - because there are resources and organizations that work for and with people fathers.
As I was asking those questions, I also asked,

“Do you have any kids, how many kids do you have?”

Usually this question is simply answered, but today was different.

“That is a hard question to answer right now…” and he got really quiet.

Seeking to understand the change in demeanor, I asked “Why so?”

Silence. He started trying to talk, then stopped. After a few times of this, it came out.

“I had 2 kids, but now I only have 1.” As the tears started to mount, he began to tell me how his son was murdered in December of 2015. His 24 year old son was a good kid in the wrong place at the wrong time. He continued to speak. I continued to listen.

His son’s murder lead to him starting to drink again, which lead to him losing his job, which lead to him losing his apartment and having to move back to a rough spot in the bronx.... All of this after he had become free from Alcohol, landed a great job, and moved out of the Bronx (all with the help of Paul and The Relief Bus just 2 years ago.)

It’s not fair. That’s all I could muster. He agreed and we cried together.

We spent nearly an hour talking, mostly me listening. I did provide him with some job resources, I prayed for him, gave him my number, and said that I would be back the next week if he wanted to talk more.

I talk with a lot of people. I hear a lot of tragedies. A lot of things hurt my heart on the regular, but ever few weeks there are the things I hear that don’t just hurt my heart, but indeed break it. This was one of those times.

---

This week he was waiting when we arrived. He was anxious to speak as soon as I stepped out of the bus. As soon as everything was up and running we went into the bus office.

“I saw the fucking guy that killed my son”

As I came to find out, this past week Felipe and his family filled 2 rows of seats for the arraignment where the defendants were being read the charges and putting in their pleas.

This was the first time that he had seen the man accused in person, outside of the description the news gave after seeing the surveillance video that caught the whole thing.

“He plead not guilty. That mother fucking guy actually plead not guilty.”
He elaborated that when the man said those words, the entire family jumped up and had to be surrounded by the police in the room to calm down.

The District Attorney assured the family that they have a tight case and will be seeking 25 years, Felipe said that’s not enough, because that guy will get out and he will never see his son again.

Then I asked what I was thinking, but not sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

“Do you want to kill him?”
“No!...no…. Well, maybe yes… But it’s not possible.”

As he is speaking, I can’t help but notice the alcohol on his breath and how everything is filled with anger and hate.

Do I blame him? Could I do better? As he is speaking I can’t help but think of my daughter. Even as I am writing this at night, I just went into her room to pat her back because she was crying. I love her with everything I have. What would I do? How would I respond if roles were reversed? Could I main maintain the integrity I preach?
Could I love in the way I write about?

So I ask. “How can you get to a place where you can forgive him?”

Disgust. I thought he was going to get up and walk out on the spot. How could he ask that he was saying, how could I ask that I was thinking.

But, I could clearly see what the hate, anger, and pain was doing to my friend Felipe.
It was killing him. Alcohol for breakfast. A black bag with 2 more cans in his hand for later.
Forgiveness doesn’t do that to you. Grace doesn’t do that to you.

“I can’t do that, I don’t want to, he killed my son.”

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come so they can have life. I want them to have it in the fullest possible way.
John 10:10

This verse is circling my head.

“You have to get back to a point of life and not death. Forgiveness brings life. Hatred brings death. It will kill you.”

I continued.

“Can I pray for you to have forgiveness until you are ready to pray that for yourself?”

He processed the words coming out of my mouth. He thought about it for a few seconds and then agreed. We prayed together. I affirmed that I love him. We hugged and he went on his way.

So, that is my job for now. To pray for what Felipe can’t. To uplift my friend to the place he needs to be until he can actually get to that place.

I am continually amazed at the places and circumstances that God places me in.
Surely He could find a person more equipped and smarter than I am to help Felipe.
How can He expect me to have the right words and know the right thing to say to this person that is literally drowning in sorrow?

Please pray for me.

Please pray for Felipe.

The past month or so, every time I pray I find myself saying the words,
“Make me new. Make me like You.”

I realize this as I am typing right now that the only way for this prayer to happen is for me to have the opportunity to be like Jesus in word and action. Dang.

What circumstances have you found yourself in lately where you felt completely incompetent? Were you able to trust God with the right words or actions?

Please feel free to share if you think it might be helpful for someone.

Much love my friends.

What's my biggest weakness?

• What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?
• What’s the favorite place that you’ve ever been?
• If you could go anywhere in the world for two weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go?
• What’s your biggest strength?
• What’s your biggest weakness?

Questions. These 5 questions enable me to get a snapshot into how a person ticks.

If I am trying to get to know someone, these are my go-to questions.
I perfected these questions in the three months that I worked at Trader Joe’s in between leaving Liquid Church, and while I fundraised to work at New York City Relief.
Working the register was the perfect time to get to know someone, to build relationship.
For 3-8 minutes, depending on the size of the cart, I had people’s undivided attention.

Sure, I could just scan groceries and comment on what they purchased, but why miss the opportunity to learn about someone new. Plus, from a business perspective, it’s great to build relationship with your customers in unique ways, so that they remember their trip and it’s not just grocery shopping - it’s an personalized experience.

I use these questions to hone into the heart of a person. Starting with a simple, but also meaningful question - there’s always a story or explanation behind the most beautiful thing someone has seen - working up to the more in depth questions of strengths and weaknesses.
A person’s engagement level to my previous questions tell me whether or not to approach the last two questions. If someone is truly honest and vulnerable, knowing their biggest strength and weakness will enable you to greatly build up or tear down that person.
One of my biggest goals when it comes to knowing and loving people, is to build up and encourage them in their strengths and to cover or protect them in their weaknesses.

I have been so incredibly frustrated for the past month when it comes to expressing myself and putting down what I am learning in writing because of what my weakness is - with the ending result being that I haven’t written anything.

My biggest weakness is that I am a people pleaser. I want you to like me. My fear of doing something that someone won’t like or agree with 100% keeps me from saying, doing, or writing a lot of things. Although, the ability to be a neutral player that generally gets along with all types and sides of people is definitely a strength and not something I regret in myself, but when I don’t speak up out of fear, that’s when it has the the potential to become a weakness.
I cannot live in fear. We cannot live in fear, we weren’t created to live in fear. Fear is not ok.

---

This past weekend I met a man and experienced a story that literally broke me down in anguish and tears. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I did, but knowing that it didn’t fit the perfect story box with a perfect answer, I refrained from writing it publicly... until now.

On Saturday I had the honor of meeting a man named Arturo. Arturo arrived at The Relief Bus in the South Bronx by nothing short of a miracle. Arturo’s journey to the bus started 3 days earlier in Mexico when his family and friends gave him $2500 to pay a smuggler to get him across the border and into the USA. Stay with me.

Three years ago, Arturo’s wife died of brain cancer. This left him alone with his 10 year old daughter and 6 year old son. A year ago, a hurricane hit his small city, destroying his home and forcing him to move into a school gymnasium with his kids and his mother.
No job, no home, small kids and no hope.

His mother came to him and said he had to leave to find employment in America or they would all die. He said he didn’t want to, he said that there had to be another way. He didn’t know where he would go, what he would do, he had no money, and most of all, didn’t want to leave his family.
But, against all these odds, there still was no hope for anything where he was, so he left.

Through hitchhiking and walking, 3 days later, he happened to end up in the middle of the South Bronx, at the exact time and day of the week that New York City Relief’s Relief Bus was there to provide inclusion, love, food, and direction on what to do next.

I know that there are some people reading this that are done reading because “he can’t be here” no matter the reason, it’s illegal and he should be deported immediately. I hear you, I really do.
There just has to be a better answer though. This isn’t a statistic or theory. This is a man with kids trying to do the best for them that he can possibly do - even if that means leaving them in hopes of finding work in a foreign place and sending money home so they can live.
That is heartbreaking!

The more I follow Jesus, the more this type of thing hurts my heart. People matter. All people. Not just Americans. Everyone matters. I love this country and I am so thankful that I was born here, but to say that because someone happened to be born somewhere else, then too bad, just doesn’t work for me.
I don’t have the answers, I know it’s “more complicated”, but when it comes down to it, my job is to love without borders, and that’s what my volunteers and I did.
We connected him with a few options for shelters, clothing, and food. We encouraged him and prayed for him before sending him to a place that would provide some safe next steps.

As my heart has broken over and over again the past 2 years of doing this and working with people in similar situations as Arturo, I have prayed and asked God if I should go to a foreign country to love these people there and I strongly heard “no”.
I was told to be an advocate - to work and love on their behalf here.
So, that’s what I am going to do.

My goal in all I do is to be Jesus. To be the physical representation of what Jesus would be and say and do if He were here today. Do I get that right everyday? Nope, definitely not, but I am earnestly working on it every day that I am given to do so.  

Thank you for loving and encouraging me in my strengths.
Thank you just as much for covering and protecting me in my weaknesses.

Much love my friends!

*Please feel free to share this if you think it might help someone else.*