Will I love my daughter?

My biggest fear in expecting Selah’s arrival was whether or not I would even love her, since she isn’t genetically mine.

My wife, Renee, and I had everything figured out. We met at age 12 in church, were best friends for 5 years, dated for 5 years (4 of them long-distance through college with 1200 miles between us), married at age 22, and planned on having kids at age 24 or 25. Everything was going according to plan until we started trying to have a baby. For a year, we read all the blogs, did the timing thing, prayed, and nothing happened.

We decided to get me checked out first because the testing for guys is easier. Within a month of testing, we came to discover that I was born with a genetic disorder called Klinefelter syndrome. It’s what had made me taller than everyone in my family, had lead to some learning problems when I was younger, and ultimately made it impossible for me to add to the conceiving of a child. I was heartbroken. How could this be? I felt like such a failure. I cried. A lot.

Renee and I discussed what to do next. We could adopt, but then my wife wouldn’t get the chance to be pregnant and grow a child (something that she had dreamed of forever!). There was one option that doctors gave us for me to have a surgery that would give us a 30% chance of success for me to still be involved. The only problem was that $30,000 and not covered by insurance at all. We thought about it and prayed about it. I couldn’t peacefully add this much debt to my family, so we decided against it. Insteaded we chose to use donor sperm. This was an interesting process, through which you can choose to know as much or as little as you want about the donor. We chose to know less, but to keep as many similarities to me as made sense. 
Tall, caucasian, Italian and English descent, similar build, and good family health. This was all great and I was glad that we could choose such things, but it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation. I still was heartbroken that this baby wouldn’t be mine.

On the second cycle of trying, we found out that Renee was pregnant. That was great! No more stressing over conceiving and no more spending the money it took to get there - even with insurance, it’s still costly. Now was the waiting game.

Over the 9 months that Renee was pregnant I went through all the emotions that there are; excitement, worry (for her health and baby’s), and fear. Fear was the most gripping and constant emotion for me. How will I feel? Will I love her? Will she love me? What will she do when she finds out? What will I say when people inevitably ask who she looks more like? Knowing that some day she might get mad and me and say that I’m not really her dad, so how can I do this or say that? Fear. Fear. Fear.

To add to all of this, the night she was born, I wasn’t even there. 
My wife ended up being in labor for only 30 minutes and gave birth to her in our bathroom on accident with the paramedics there. I was all the way in the city serving the homeless at the Port Authority. I remember driving to the hospital and just sobbing that after all of this and the connection I had planned on having at birth, I couldn’t even do that.

But then everything changed.

The moment I met my daughter, everything changed. Instantly I was in love. She was mine. I was hers. The past 9 months of fears and anxiety were erased.

Now that it’s Father’s Day and she has recently turned 1, I can only praise God that I have had the opportunity to raise, play with, and love my little girl for the past year. It means nothing that she is not genetically mine - nothing at all. 
I love her. She loves me.

I praise God that a miracle exists to make this possible. I praise God that she ended up looking like me - and that when people say so I can smile and agree! I praise God that she likes to laugh, dance, and say “hi” to everyone! She is my daughter and I am her father.

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Everything we go through is to help others.

Please, if you are going through pain or loss, learn what you have to learn in the process, then open up and help others. 
We need each other. We were created to do life together.

Thank you all for living life out loud with me.

Happy Father’s Day! Much love!

A team effort.

Last night at our Newark Penn Station outreach we met a family in a heartbreaking situation, here is the story of what lengths it took to love them in their situation. It involved multiple staff and volunteers at The Relief Bus to get them the help they needed. This really shows off the importance that we all play in helping save lives on the streets every time we go out.

Last night when we arrived, we sent volunteers into Penn Station to invite people out and let them know about the services we have on hand. Our volunteers found Tyisha, Mickey, and baby Malaysia and invited them out to the bus. Once at the bus, other volunteers greeted them, offered them a place to sit and served them soup and drinks, while they got me and let me know that they would like to talk to someone for help. I went over, introduced myself, and found out their story: They are legally married and were recently asked to leave the place they were staying because it was too much for the person they were staying with. They spent the entire day at the welfare office trying to get help, but it ended in no answers. They went to Penn Station because they had some family and friends staying there - thus, some type of community and safe haven despite their situation. I tried calling around to all of the resources we have for emergency housing in Newark - to no avail. Yaz, our Director of NJ Outreaches arrived at our location, heard about the predicament, and started calling around too. After and hour of calling and talking to multiple people, I was told that they YMCA wouldn't take anyone - no matter their situation. Yaz, on the other hand, was told to go ahead and show up and see what happens. We prayed for a miracle before they left. Yaz loaded them into his van and took them to the YMCA. When they arrived, they were told multiple times that there was nothing they could do because they didn't have the correct paperwork and vouchers from the city's welfare agency. Yaz pleaded and advocated on their behalf and to the fact that papers or not, should not morally allow a baby on the streets of Newark. Ultimately, Yaz's persistence paid off and they were allowed one night's stay!

At that point, Yaz coordinated with our VP of Outreached, Josiah, to get them a ride to our base in Elizabeth, and a ride on The Relief Bus this morning to NYC. From there they were given all the information they needed and a ticket to the city’s family shelter.

They are currently at NYC’s family shelter's intake center awaiting in-process. This will allow them to receive a place to stay for free while they search for jobs and services to get them back on their feet. Now that they are connected with us, they will be in contact with our licensed Social Worker and Director of Follow-Up Care, Teresa. She will be their go-to contact to get them connected with any future resources as well as answer any questions they might have. She is a superstar! Plus, they will have the opportunity to come to any of our Relief Bus locations in NYC for love, community, and additional help.

Moral of the story: We have a phenomenal team of leaders and volunteer that don't give up on people, no matter how grim the circumstances. Last night and today were a testimony to that fact. Please continue to pray for Tyisha, Mickey, and baby Malaysia as they persist to overcome the odds thrive despite their circumstances.

These things we do…That others may live!